Mirror Dearest

   I want to clarify the intention of my blog when I address the challenges of aging and identity that revolve around beauty standards, and the dreaded 'wall.'  I’m not saying we - us ladies of a certain age - are ugly.  I am 45 years alive and have learned too much in my time to believe anyone is 'ugly,' and I definitely would not refer to myself as such. Superficial beauty is always highly subjective, and a great deal of it is a matter of hygiene, habits, style, and nowadays ones attitude toward surgical and cosmetic enhancements. A sexy flesh suit is accessible to just about anyone who wants it badly enough. Many women prove that and preserve a youthful appearance well beyond menopause.  That said; the way a woman's beauty is perceived by the prevailing hetero-male perspective changes after we pass a certain age. One day we’re stopping traffic in our sweats with bed-hair and a bare-face, then suddenly men four years older than us are fantasizing about us beco...

Imagine being a woman who is not only beautiful, but naturally trumps the norms for women in terms of height, body composition, and even your career. You're "chosen" by a "high-value" man who is a decade older than you. And you get to spend the rest of your life proving yourself to be worthy in the eyes of others, in hopes that it will prevent your husband's eyes from wandering. No emotional security, no peace. He can't be your protector when your heart feels unsafe with him. That's what I see when I look at this video. It's just a performative snippet of their lives and in no way condemns what their actual relationship might be. Still, this clip reminds me of the reality for many young beautiful women who get stuck in the impossible trap of being "chosen" just for being "pretty." It generally follows some prevailing misguidance on what a "high value" man is. Hint: His only value to YOU starts with how much he actual...

If you don't make it to the end of this article, the ultimate takeaway is this: Who we are is never defined by how others see us. Women who are fortunate enough to understand this early in life, will never know what any wall, or rather - the loss of it, feels like. For women like me, unwanted changes in our appearance - whether age, weight, or circumstantial - can feel like a loss of power. If we dare to dig deeply into that loss, we may recognize that our beauty has always been a double agent, and a most insidious saboteur.     When I was 19 years old, I was introduced to the concept of 'Ashe.' I was a college freshman (soon to drop out), and I confided my frustrations and doubts in one of the very few friends I had at the time. She was Nigerian, and suggested that I was the cause of my own losing streak thanks to the 'gift of ashe.' As she explained it, our words have real power. Mine were provocatively dark and I was literally fumbling into curses with them. She...

The recent tragedy of Zaria and Shamarcus Carr has prompted me to share some thoughts on domestic violence. As a childhood trauma and domestic violence survivor, stories like these inspire me to seek and share wisdom from my own wounds.   I feel like it's important to make a few points clear in advance of the thoughts I intend to share. The first is that beyond exceptional circumstances of self-defense, violence and murder are wrong. The second is that innocence is not a prerequisite to being a victim. In the absence of my previous statements, the following truths are easily mistaken for victim blaming; they're not.  Toxic patterns are addictive, for both the perpetrator and their victims. Valid attribution of blame and true justice are elusive because responsibility belongs to generations that precede, and systems that fail people today. Frequently, victims are complicit in their own abuse.  Accountability is not about guilt, but a reclamation of power. "Allergic ...