I'm Not Saying We're Ugly...

  

I want to clarify the intention of my blog when I address the challenges of aging and identity that revolve around beauty standards, and the dreaded 'wall.' 

I’m not saying we - us ladies of a certain age - are ugly. 

I am 45 years alive and have learned too much in my time to believe anyone is 'ugly,' and I definitely would not refer to myself as such. Superficial beauty is always highly subjective, and a great deal of it is a matter of hygiene, habits, style, and nowadays ones attitude toward surgical and cosmetic enhancements. A sexy flesh suit is accessible to just about anyone who wants it badly enough. Many women prove that and preserve a youthful appearance well beyond menopause. 

That said; the way a woman's beauty is perceived by the prevailing hetero-male perspective changes after we pass a certain age. One day we’re stopping traffic in our sweats with bed-hair and a bare-face, then suddenly men four years older than us are fantasizing about us becoming their... mother-in-law. Whereas men can live in blissful ignorance to their own mortality, a woman must evolve spiritually and emotionally in order to understand how our value increases with age - even when the average man believes otherwise. Words have meaning; can doesn't mean should, how denotes a shift in ideals, and the divine feminine woman needs more than an average man. Get it? Good. 

Mirror Dearest isn’t a blog to mourn the shift. I started out mourning it (and sometimes I still do when the moon is full). I loved and heavily relied on feeling untouchable behind the mask of youth. In order for women to appreciate what I believe to be the 'eve of the crone' - we need to master the secrets it holds. We must embrace harsh truths, and dissect them for the wisdom contained therein. We are shapeshifters and the crone holds the power of invisibility.

“Don’t be afraid. I’m going to teach you how to be immortal.” 

-Fiona Goode, AHS Coven (Confession: I love her and Jessica Lange.)

Skin-deep charm is commonplace among young people - but its worth is most distorted for women. The reason being that for every woman in her 20s to early 30s, exaggerated male validation is always available from men that are decades older, and in some cases pursuing youth as a means of escaping their own uncomfortable changes. Outside of the pursuit of a career in modeling or its related industries; beauty is not a sustaining virtue. In fact, it is known to derail the lives and potential of many misguided young women. 

A woman's fertility is limited. Men can breed indefinitely. Propagating beliefs that influence impressionable men to objectify women significantly younger than them serves a purpose. Imagine the unlikely global catastrophe where all young men are gone, and nothing but men 40+ are alive to procreate. Now imagine that all of these men only have eyes and bodies for their wives of roughly the same age or older. Hello extinction. Religious texts, sci-fi, and the current state of the world leads me to believe that this musing is not as farfetched as I wish it were. 

It's obvious that a great power exists on earth, and it's not divine at all, but very into control. Don't let it control you. 

Media is the greatest medium for women to expose our vulnerabilities less via the truths we share than the masks we hide behind. Our greatest power isn't found in serenading each other with delusions, and attacking women who do it better. Our alchemy is in receiving the depth that replaces the superficial as we age. Less visibility doesn't mean less power. It means a veil is lifted on the world that now responds to us with purer transparency. We see the fruits of ourselves and others remiss of the deception that comes when sexual exploitation is at the forefront of our interactions. 

The scary part - it's just you and your demons now babe. You've got to face them and get them in order, to reap the benefits of this incredible stage in your life. You might miss being celebrated for your appearance because you didn't work much on your character. When people are no longer mesmerized by your face and body - maybe you're boring? Cruel? Neurotic (and lousy in bed)?

Instead of obsessing about winning back shallow attention and approval, work on those parts of yourself that only get better with time and attention. Grow for yourself, not external validation. Identify the appraisal system that imparts your highest value to you, then apply it to the people you welcome into your life. Don't measure others in currencies that you yourself are factually low on. This is why the truth is important. 

This part of life should be about authenticity, depth, and intention. If you are partnered, your ego and heart should feel safe with your person. This means they should hold such reciprocal reverence for the interior workings of your mind, soul, and character - that external visual stimuli don't stimulate them any more than hanging wall art. You have a partner who leers at others? This is the season of letting go of all that doesn't serve your peace - including them.

You are single? Please do not get stuck on the standards of your youth that become love barriers after a certain age. Instead of height, net worth, and his hairline; focus on emotional availability, the depth of perception needed to grasp all your beauty, empathy, and a capacity to respect your needs and expectations. If they do not highly value you, they are not high value for you. It is absolutely possible for you to meet a man who has all the superficial extras you want. Highly successful men who are emotionally available value authenticity and depth. Hence you will see men like Jeff Bezos and Keanu Reaves dating women who are reasonably close to their age.

Just don't block yourself from a high value relationship with a man who doesn't check all the shallow boxes, but is prepared to give you the world because he knows you're worth it.

In case I digressed too much and my point isn't clear, you're not cute anymore. You're not topping the list of wanking material for men who are still figuring themselves out. You're a soul revival, a portal to realms beyond. You are the estuary where the river meets the ocean, and holds all its mysteries in watery galaxies unknown. Like God, you will be invisible for people who only appreciate the flesh. That is part of your magic. This blog, Mirror Dearest, is about exploring it.