Humanizing Abusers Is Important

Humans are complex beings with complicated stories layered on top of the generations that precede us. The hero recorded in one version of history is the villain who wiped out kingdoms in another. 

Serial killer Ted Bundy worked a crisis line in Seattle where he was exceptionally empathetic and patient to those he rescued from suicide. Charles Manson mentored several addicts and trauma survivors away from addiction and into recovery (at least initially). Whatever their motives, this is who they were to most people who knew them. Their positive impact on the world remains relevant. Denying as much creates truth resistance and even hostility in those who have a positive emotional bond to the person who co-exists alongside a dark passenger. 

Abusers, even pedophiles, are often loved and valued to those not victimized by them.

Revelations of abuse imply that the accused is less worthy of love and acceptance. Therein lies the rejection of painful truths in families and communities where the abuser is fondly regarded. Even if the victim is believed, many will deny as much out of earnest love for the perpetrator. This is why, counterintuitive as it might be, it's wise to cast a wider and gentler net for victims to be heard and  protected. Accepting that good people can commit horrible crimes makes ugly truths easier to digest.

Many survivors will want to scream - 'So what! They need to be uncomfortable. Abuse doesn't deserve grace!' 

To them, I want to first say - I hear you. I feel what you feel. I, too, am a survivor. I believe you, and I understand your perspective. 

My lifelong healing journey has led me to recognize that the most valid feelings can still derail an effective course of action. We can demand that our feelings be validated from an unresponsive void or we can accept self-validation as enough for our feelings, and apply logic to effect change.

None of us is entirely good nor evil, all the time. 

In conflict-avoidant families where introspection is non-existent - the most vulnerable victims are coerced into silence. These types of families avoid discussing abuse or any uncomfortable truths, because they can only understand the world in binary ideals - simply good or purely bad. Therefore victims suffer silently, often adapting denial as a perpetual state of being. Allegations are treated like insults, and since name-calling is purely bad, dismissing the victim as a negative drama queen is the 'bad' such families can live with. A name-caller is more palatable than their favorite person being a pedophile or worse. Anyone who dares to believe victims in these environments is seen as a traitor of the 'good side' of the family.  
Some victims in these families abruptly sever ties without explaining themselves, knowing they would be doubted and attacked. Predictably, no one seeks answers, no truths are unearthed, and no clarity is allowed. Instead, quick judgments take their place, reducing the victim to a deserter, discredited by some flimsy pretext invented by the family that anchors its stability in denial.

"They are dead to me" is easier said than directly asking the defector what has caused their departure - especially when it’s suspected that their answer might challenge the family’s false sense of peace.

Predators and their silent accomplices, the ostriches, are unhealed, or at least very unconscious. They don’t have the ability to heal you. Here’s the terrifying truth, the one with all the power - it’s you, survivor. “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” 

Like happiness from liquor and pills, peace from lies and willful ignorance is addictive. Denial huffers dislike and distrust truth-telling survivors - to them; we are troublemakers. That 'trouble' is the catalyst for healing and progress in families that need it - as many do. Survivors are healers, by design - and that is a big responsibility. It requires a willingness to see truths in their entirety, enough to leave space for nuance, compassion, and the belief that anyone can evolve - including the people who have hurt us. 

As we speak the ugly truths in open spaces, let’s also normalize honoring the beauty in people who were not beautiful to us. We're strong enough to handle it.
Evidence of a predator’s capacity for good will rarely be found in their relationship with victims. Understanding is found in the perpetrator’s story of innocence, vulnerability, and their own victimhood. Their recovery potential is found in connections with people they have not harmed. It’s also found in the perpetrator’s achievements, talents, and charms. All of these variables speak to their value as people and their ability to overcome their own dysfunction. Denying the redeeming virtues of an abuser, strips them of any incentive to overcome their faults. 

It’s common to denounce abusers as sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists. The finality of these labels don’t give exposed perpetrators any room for change. Whether deserved or not, unless abusers are immediately euthanized - we must recognize their capacity for good. Not because of what abusers deserve - but because the whole world remains vulnerable to predators who aren’t allowed to change. 
Survivor, your potential to catalyze that growth is a silver lining called purpose. It’s not one you asked for, and you may even resent it. But like all reluctant heroes, when the sun sets on the peace your sword shed blood for - you’ll ride off into it in whatever direction pleases you. The seeds that were so painfully planted inside of you, flowering with the ever assuring wisdom that you can do anything. That is your gift, although it may take time to grow on you. Your power is so potent that you can effect significant change with words, and by setting and upholding boundaries. 

This means:

• Directly addressing passive aggression.

• Disengaging gossip and questioning the source when confused.

• Setting a standard for how you’re willing to be treated and being comfortable excusing yourself when your standard is not met.

• Listening to understand, and not to judge.

• Refusing to argue with chaos. The conversation immediately ends when voices raise or insults are dealt. Send a letter, text, or email that has a clear and valid objective. Do not degrade yourself by being emotionally vested in validation by unhealed or disordered people. Communicate only for the purpose of achieving a logical objective (e.g. ‘Wednesday will be my day to check the issue. Yours is Sunday.’’)

Get comfortable saying things like:

“Because I love myself and you, I’m telling you that your behavior is unacceptable.”

“Because I love myself and you, I will not lie for you.”

“Because I love myself and you, I will not keep dangerous secrets for you.”

“Because I love myself and you, I will not make it easy for you to hurt someone else.”

“Because I’ve forgiven you, I will not have you in my life until you’ve forgiven yourself - and that starts with acknowledging the truth.”

“My distance is not rejection, it’s my protection from your behavior. I love you nonetheless, I will be available to you if and when you’re ready to change.”

“In fact I speak the truth, your inability to accept it will never be my problem.”

It’s not your job to repeat these phrases to someone who’s not respecting them. Say it once, and leave it to them to meet the standard expressed. 

Survivor, your victory is not a show of muscle, volume, or revenge. It is simply your embracing the whole truth, compassionately. Your victory is setting aside your ego enough to acknowledge the entirety of people who’ve hurt or failed you; their weaknesses and their strengths. Your victory is in accepting that others are free to cherish whatever value that your abuser brought to their lives. This lends an undeniable credibility to the truths you speak. It also creates space for your abusers to change, forgive, and redeem themselves. That’s the best outcome for your family, community, and the world that we are all sharing, right?

Your ‘divine assignment’ is not to destroy others, no matter how warranted retribution may seem. Your sole concern is with the outcome of your life, not anyone else’s. This is why your truth is unapologetic, yet remiss of fixations on punishment and blame. You are healed, what others do with your truth is their prerogative. 

They will no longer hurt you, because your boundaries won’t allow it. They won’t hurt anyone who knows of you either, because your truth is a light that doesn’t allow evil to flourish in secrecy. 

Your boundaries are your peace. Your happiness is your destiny. Your truth is your freedom and your perpetrator’s chance for true redemption.